i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
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For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
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Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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