The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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