so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
