apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
