I'm going to jail i love you
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
