I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
