I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
