meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
