i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need to stop coming to work sober
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
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