i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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