just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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