I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
