so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
