remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
