oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
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