If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
