Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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