and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
