Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
