i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
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I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
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Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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