If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
