im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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