im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my being single is dangerous.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
