two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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