Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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