So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
