Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
