If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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