I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
