My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
