You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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