I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Why is there bacon in the couch?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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