I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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