I am spending my child support on dildos
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
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