Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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