My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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