just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm too high and old for this...
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize