I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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