I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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