I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
