I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
