She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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