my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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