Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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