Your face is a jimmy john
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
