I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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