My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
