I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
