Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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