I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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