Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I supernannyed him into submission
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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