she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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