i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
