i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
It's rum buckets o'clock
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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