I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
