I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
