I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
