Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
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