4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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