the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I need a beard to bite.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
