i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
