if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
