hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Randomize
