So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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