Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
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I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
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They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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