he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You had me at "let me see your balls"
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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